Dressing gown on, laid out before the television, unable to move, lacking desire for anything of worth and a want for the world to swallow me up. That is me, overwhelmed by something the average person takes easily, overwhelmed by normality, routine and being busy. Having started a new year of college, with a daily agenda set upon work, work, work, my mind has fallen into a panic and everything has turned to confusion. Perhaps its the fact I’m working and spending most of my day, everyday in the company of people. I shall admit to being one of those strangers who work better alone. When alone my mind flows freely, efficiently and to wonderful heights of capability. Throw in a social situation and the voices of any pressure dictating, expecting, distracting and all of a sudden everything becomes a nightmare, I can’t cope or so I tell myself, convincing myself, I’m hopeless and destined for a life of misery so why bother? You can’t because your just going to crash even faster and it’ll hurt more, or so my brain tells me.
People look on and huff and puff and say “lazy”. Well its not that simple (dad), trying to live a normal life on top of riding the roller-coaster of manic-depression as well the fact I’m constantly locking horns with this annoying condition render life a bit more difficult, it weighs a lot more. Its a bit like running only unlike everyone else in the race you have a 4 stone rucksack to lug around with you as well.
I am also stupidly ambitious which makes things a bit harder. My goals are miles away, you need a telescope to see them and with this 4 stone rucksack weighing down this mind the problem of how the hell am I going to go all that way is amplified.
So I need to calm down. Stop, breathe in, think etc.
I’m writing this then to defragment my own thoughts, searching my own brain as you watch mine through the medium of letters and sentences and so on. What a life it would be just sitting here, churning out prose, everyday without interruption or intervention but life isn’t so kind. I contemplated taking more anti-bipolar drugs but the zombie life is no life for me, I’ve been there done that and hated it. How can I ever achieve anything when every so often I have a breakdown of some kind or another, forever being fired from everything after a period of endless energy and excitement. Well I fear that same old dog of doom is gnawing at my shins once again. Its a git but it never lasts forever, right now I need to just stop. Sit back. Recalibrate my thoughts, calm down and reboot. The problem then comes with explaining this to various employers, tutors etc. and by then the chances are I’ve missed too much work or I’ve been sent my p45.
Whatever shall I do? I’ll damn and blast the bloody lot, jib it all rightly off, take up art and grow my hair. I don’t know. I’ll think it over, but go about it calmly.
Ps: i am though fortunate, it’s not 1917 and I’m not in a trench.